Nantucket Noel

Guys its time for our favorite Blondie Blonde Head and whoever is starring alongside him. I can’t wait to see how many times he runs off to touch up his VERY NATURAL BLONDE HAIR. So obviously I am talking about Nantucket Noel. I’ve realized something over the years. To make 40 movies per Christmas Season, Hallmark recycles elements of movies over and over again. NOT TROPES. But sets and location specific components. For example, Nantucket Noel seems to just take the whole Christmas Sail set and pretend to be set on the east coast. I’m pretty sure it’s the same dock and there’s a Christmas Boat parade which we’ve NEVER seen in a Hallmark movie until this year. No judgment; just an observation. Anyway, let’s get after it before Trevor’s roots grow out.

The seaside town of Nantucket is all decked out for Christmas. It looks exactly like the town and set for Christmas Sail. Our leading lady,Christina and her pal (who’s name I never bother to catch) inspect a small Christmas Tree in a boat. I believe it’s the friend’s husband and I never catch his name nor do I know what their business is. I know they do jazz hands in nearly every scene hereafter but otherwise, I have no idea.

Trevor, playing Andy, is a busy businessman taking calls from the back seat of a town car. HE keeps his head low so none of his blonde root spray rubs off the ceiling of the car.

Wow now we get to witness the peaceful hand off between two SUPER CHILL Hallmark ex-spouses. Andy’s daughter, Wink, is reluctant to leave her mom because Andy is, as I mentioned earlier, a busy businessman who cares more about work than family. Also, Andy immediately starts out with the bar VERY HIGH as he promises Wink the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER. The ex-wife gets in a few jabs at Andy’s expense, which I appreciate! Like, hey don’t forget to spend time with your daughter! Get off your dang phone please!

Christina remains committed to that royal purple coat indoors as she remembers a moment with her mom as a child painting a mermaid mural on a wall of their toy shop. After putting in a solid 5 minutes of staring into space, she puts a “be back soon” sign on the door and leaves again.

She heads to the coffee shop to hear the hot town goss. Under that ugly coat was an absolutely adorable sweater. Anyway, this guy in town, Oscar, is retiring and they are going to redevelop the wharf. She and her pals are worried about the changes that may come with such a redevelopment. Christina mentions the boat parade. ANOTHER BOAT PARADE YOU SAY?

Andy, still suited up, shows Wink the wharf. It was her grandma’s favorite place. Andy forgets he’s talking to a child and gets super deep and philosophical. Wink doesn’t understand ANYTHING he’s talking about.

Andy’s hair remains nearly immovable as he takes a phone call outside. Wink is left standing idly by. And then somehow Christina trips and falls RIGHT into Andy’s arms. Wink thinks the dock might be sinking. Then, to add insult to injury, Christina struggles with the door to her toy shop again as she meets Andy and Wink. Christina invites them to the boat parade that night and then Andy is off on another phone call. Wink decides to wander into this incredibly sad toy store. There are like two small displays of hipster toys and twice as many fake wrapped presents. Christina catches Wink stealing a sad little stuffed mermaid toy. Christina uses the classic kid threat of Santa watching to make her feel bad about it. Andy lightly scolds Wink like a parent who is not used to discipline but Christina suggests she do some good old fashioned hard work tomorrow at the store to make it right. Christina is inexplicably wandering the store in her sock feet. Is this just a little garage sale of hers or is it AN ACTUAL PLACE OF BUSINESS?

Wink and Andy head to his dad’s place. Andy’s dad, Oscar (yes, THAT Oscar, if you’re paying attention) introduces him to “Janice” who is not his girlfriend but his housekeeper and chef. I wonder if anything is happening there.

They all head inside and Andy checks on his roots in the bathroom. He remains fully suited up, pocket square and everything. Businessmen love to wear their suits no matter where they are! Wink is upset about the lack of Christmas decorations in this house. I AM DYING DYING DYING OVER THIS HOUSE AND THIS VIEW AND I WANT TO GO THERE IMMEDIATELY. Oh I love this house so much I’m not going to be able to concentrate on Trevor’s blonde hair rapidly growing out to reveal the dark adult hair colored roots beneath.

That night at the boat parade, Christina and her pals chat about how cute Andy is. I much prefer Christina’s evening jacket. Andy arrives. He hasn’t changed his clothes. Anyone want to bet that he will wear a suit tomorrow even though he’s on vacation and has no meetings? Guys, I’ve been around a lot of real busy businessmen and even they don’t wear suits when the occasion calls for casual.

Anyway, it’s time for the boat parade. It’s hard to be snarky about this because I’ve decided I love Christmas boat parades. Andy has decided he loves boat parades too. Christina meets Andy’s dad, Oscar. He knows Janice too. Oh guys, Andy and Oscar’s last name is unfortunate and I’m not going to bother writing it down. Oscar kind of gets them on high alert. He mentions that he wants to put in a new marina and then basically tells Christina that they will all have to be out as soon as possible. He is kind of sassy with them about his little development project. But like, when was he going to give them official notice? He probably would have had some public meetings? Especially if any of it was owned by the city? Anyway, it gets REAL HEATED.

The next morning, Christina and friends meet at the coffee shop. They strategize about what to do to stop Oscar. Guys, if Christina wants to save her toy shop, she should probably start by selling more than like 10 sad little stuffed mermaid toys. Just so you know I’m sharing my honest feelings, I must admit that I love Christina’s sweater.

Later, Wink inspects her balcony and the ocean. Oscar sits at the table reading the newspaper. Wink wants to go get a Christmas tree. Okay well, surprise, surprise, Andy is in a full suit again. But I LOVE the color. I am not sure about the striped shirt but that green suit coat is great. Janice made cookies for Christina “from Oscar.” I am not sure cookies will help smooth over the whole, tearing down her mother’s toy shop to put in a marina but I guess it’s worth a shot! Wink says she likes Christina too. It’s not really about “liking” her though right? Wink has a great headband on too.

Andy drops Wink off to work with Christina. Christina gives Andy another earful about keeping the wharf just as it is. BUT GUYS THE TOY STORE NEEDS A MASSIVE REVAMP. It just does. It doesn’t deserve to stay there as is. I can’t imagine she’s turned a profit in years with that merchandise. But Christina manages to keep herself busy and teaches Wink to wrap gifts and I pause and take notes. Wink asks to call her mom. I think this is going to blow up on busy businessman Andy.

Speaking of the blonde devil, Andy walks and talks making more business calls. Christina tells Wink that her parents were divorced too and she didn’t see her dad very much. Andy is late to get Wink so the girls crank up the music and have a wrapping party. Wink asks a question she is entirely too old to ask- does Christina think they’ll see a mermaid? Christina unhelpfully responds “Not yet.” There is no one around to pat either of them on the head. Then the power goes out.

Andy arrives to the girls hanging around outside. Sure, that is the preferable option in THE WINTER. Christina tells him her power is out and an electrician can’t come for two days because homeowners having trouble with Christmas lights is the local priority. BUT SURE let’s let her keep her business in that location. For some reason, Andy knows something about electrical work and gets the power back on. Andy mentions that a shop on main street might be more cost effective and practical and have less electrical problems. Christina brushes the comment off. Regardless, she offers to help them find a tree the following day.

So, the three of them head to the tree lot. She promised to take them to a secret spot but this looks like a tree lot right in the center of town. Maybe she was joking. Christina, of course, knows an unusual amount about all the trees. She wonders if she can change his dad’s mind about the wharf. Christina is temporarily blinded as she accidentally stares directly into Andy’s hair.

Andy admits that regardless of what happens, their rent is going to go up and they’ll have to move. She tells him she doesn’t want to move because her mom started that store in that location. Andy asks, then why are you so intent on running it straight into the ground, both literally and figuratively? Basically, SHE IS TERRIFIED OF CHANGE. I would be upset about losing the mural her mom painted. That’s fair. But otherwise, WHAT are we doing here?

Don’t mind me, I’m just still DYING OVER OSCAR’S HOUSE. Move over, Janice. I want that job. Andy and Wink invite Christina to stay and decorate. I’d do anything they asked if it meant hanging around the house. Need me to mop the floor? On my hands and knees? Are we sure you don’t need me to run a vacuum over the stairs? Make dinner? I’LL DO ANYTHING.

Alright well now they’ve decorated the whole tree and it looks straight out of a Balsam Hill ad. Is it? Andy steps away to take a call so Christina hoists Wink up to put the lighthouse at the top of the tree. I like the idea of a lighthouse treetopper. Is it too basic? Oscar isn’t happy about the tree and tells Christina it wasn’t her place to get the tree or help put up the lighthouse or whatever. He seemed nice initially but now he’s kind of jerk. Andy only hears the tail end of his little tirade because of said business call. Meanwhile WINK REFUSES TO READ A ROOM and keeps asking Christina to read a story to her. Andy takes Christina home. Christina apologizes and asks if his dad hates Christmas. Andy tells her that his dad was probably triggered by watching Christina and Wink put on the lighthouse tree topper. It was something Oscar and his wife did together. Christina is like, well that information would have been helpful BEFORE you took that little business call. Christina gives Andy some advice about working. Andy is like, look, you run what must be the most unprofitable toy store in all the land on a delipidated wharf. I’m not going to take advice from you.

Later, Andy tells his dad to chill about the Christmas tree and the lighthouse. And I hope tells him how rude he was, but the water is RUNNING BEHIND ME AND I CAN’T HEAR. Oscar tells Andy that he had a great meeting with the rest of the wharf business owners. Oscar DOES NOT like Christina though. Andy encourages him to just talk to Christina on his own, but he doesn’t want to. Later, Andy watches Wink sleep in a completely lit bedroom.

The next morning, Andy is back in that royal blue suit. Janice is baking cookies with Wink. Andy asks if she can teach him but Wink has already promised her mom so there’s no time for both. Andy has to head into town for business purposes but tries to ask Wink to hang out later.

Meanwhile, in the coffee shop, Christina wears a beautiful maroon jacket. Why was she wearing that ugly purple one when she had so many other great ones? Christina’s pals tell her they accepted an offer from Oscar. Christina is like I can’t believe Oscar thinks he can just buy people out! And her friends are like, no that’s exactly what he can do. We are quite pleased to take his money and do something better with it.

Andy’s official business is actually browsing the pathetic toy store looking for something for Wink. He offers to help Christina find a new place and is striking out on ideas for Wink. This comes as no surprise considering there are about 15 choices and they are all some variation of a stuffed animal. Christina shows him that sad stuffed mermaid Wink tried to steal earlier. Later, one of Christina’s friends does a walking dramatic reading of “A Christmas Carol” along with actual caroling. Again, Andy tries to convince Christina to move her store into town. He points out that other people are happy to take his dad’s money. Christina insists that the wharf isn’t sinking and then says that’s part of its charm. THE SAFETY HAZARD. The ABSOLUTE IMMINENT DANGER of a wharf that is gradually sinking is “Charming.” Sure, Jan. Christina takes him out to the middle of nowhere to presumably murder him and dump his body to teach Oscar a lesson. Wait, no. She just took him to Mermaid Cove to see if they could find a mermaid. ANDY ASKS IF SHE’S SEEN A MERMAID AND SHE SAYS SHE’S STILL WAITING. GUYS. GUYS. If anyone desperately wanted to be a mermaid as a child it was ME. BUT THIS IS SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY. And no one pats either of them on the head. Andy wouldn’t permit it anyway for fear of his root touch up spray wearing off.

Andy tells her how hard it is to balance his work and life. Christina criticizes him for wearing a suit at the beach but to be fair, she forced him to go and it’s freezing out.

Later, Andy, Christina and Wink head to “Molly’s” restaurant to decorate gingerbread houses. Andy has a VERY AMBITIOUS vision for their gingerbread house. Guys, why are they calling all these activities the “Seaside Noel”? It’s stupid, right? Great. A Gingerbread building montage. Wow, Andy even took his jacket off for this. No wait, it’s back on. CONTINUITY. Andy takes a call and his house collapses. He PUTS THE PHONE AWAY to do some damage control as the timer runs out.

The judges are tough. Andy makes repairs I can only properly describe as “cheeky” to the house and they win. Later, they sit in the living room and rehash the whole story with grouchy old Oscar. Wink is still asking to read that gosh darn story. Her mom calls while she decorates an INSANELY GIGANTIC beautiful tree alone. Wink spills the beans about Christina too.

While Andy reads to Wink, Oscar looks on fondly.

Christina approaches her friends’ store or theatre troup? I am not sure what they sell or what they’re doing with the money.  But they use jazz hands to describe it. And I do know for sure that whatever they’re doing is essentially lighting all that money on fire. But the friends are having a closing sale and are gleefully moving downtown. Christina remains a stick in the mud. Molly, in an amazing sweater of her own, is also strongly considering moving. She wonders what is UP with Christina and Andy? And subtly encourages Christina to like, not think outside the box.

Back at Oscar’s, Andy has ditched the suits while he decorates cookies with Wink and Janice. Janice and Oscar reveal they knew each other as kids. Oscar asks Andy if Christina is interested in his offer to buy her out. Andy tells his dad that Christina is intent on going down with her ship. Oscar is not surprised. Andy wonders if there’s a way to make it all work. And Oscar is like it’s my way or the highway BUDDY! Andy is so distressed he runs upstairs to touch up his roots.

Janice, Andy and Wink with a third head band head into town to go see a movie. They run into Dora and Molly. Molly tells Andy that she hasn’t heard from Christina all day and is a little worried. The other ladies encourage Andy to go check on Christina. They basically give him a kick him out the door. Christina is at the shop, just working. I mean, yeah that is why she’s not at a movie in the middle of the day. It would be a bit absurd for her to close in the middle of the day to go see a movie, right? She tells Andy she’s working on a pitch to save the wharf. A wharf, which at this point, NO ONE ELSE CARES about saving except her. Everyone else is just diving into their room full of money Scrooge McDuck style. Instead of going to the movie, she asks Andy if he likes smores and she leads him… blindfolded to Mermaid Cove again? No, to a different spot where he can see the lighthouse. What about his quality time with his daughter at the movie? Okay now it’s NIGHT TIME? How long have they been there? Again, what about the quality time with Wink? They were supposed to see a matinee?  Who is taking care of her? Anyway, Christina seems to demonstrate to Andy for the first time how to make smores.

Christina calls Andy sweet and he tells her she’s beautiful and then THEY KISS. OMG. They kiss again!

Later, everyone gets all suited up for the “Snow Ball” and Festival of Trees. I didn’t know this event was on the agenda. Janice asks Oscar to save a dance for her. Everyone tells everyone they look nice. THEY DO. Dora and Wink wander off and Andy asks Christina to dance. Andy is confused about all the themes of each tree. SAME. They look ridiculous. Christina decides to talk to Oscar. Christina asks Oscar to reach a compromise. Oscar doesn’t really want to hear it. He isn’t going to derail his whole plan for her. I feel like if Christina could just blurt out that whole business about still grieving over her mom it would go a long way but she just can’t manage to get it out.

As she storms out, she literally runs into Andy. While Andy checks to make sure his hair hasn’t been damaged by this run in, Christina tells him how the shop is all she has left of her mom. Andy is like, well you should work through the grieving process a little more then. But then Andy turns around and really lets his dad have it. Honestly, this whole exchange is probably the best five minutes of the movie.

Later, Christina sits on a rock and talks to her mom out loud. Like a sane person.

Meanwhile, Oscar sits outside on his beach in a GREAT purple-y jacket. Janice comes out with hot chocolate. Oscar tells Janice she’s good to him even when he doesn’t deserve it. Oscar tells her that he regrets what he said to Christina and Andy. He sort of comes to his senses. Then Oscar admits that he likes Janice. She’s really cute about it. AND OMG THEY KISS. What is this rated?!

Meanwhile, Wink, in a fourth winter hat, asks Andy if he likes Christina. And she tells him she likes visiting Nantucket too. I think they are decorating the reindeer in the yard? In their unzipped jackets and no hats.

Oscar asks if Andy wants to take over the wharf project and spend more time in Nantucket. He is stoked about that. He asks for Oscar’s help in touching up his roots before he heads to talk to Christina.

Christina, walks aimlessly downtown with her unzipped jacket and no hat and notices that the “bistro” is closing. She wonders if Molly wants to share the space with her. FINALLY. Just what this town needs; a restaurant/toy store. That makes sense. But Christina is finally willing to move out of the wharf so we’re calling it a win.

She starts packing up the handful of items in the toy shop in a really great sweater dress. Oscar stops by and tells her that he was supposed to retire but he took on this project as a way to honor his wife’s legacy. He tells Christina that Andy will now be running the wharf project. Christina heads outside and see Andy holding a white blind fold? So now he’s taking her somewhere to murder her FOR ONCE.

The whole gang is there at the beach for “Christmas Eve Smores.” This seems cute. Oh, the whole wharf business community is there for smores. Then the friends reveal that they’ve made a canvas duplicate of her mom’s mural. SEE! That’s all she needed the whole time. Then Andy and Christina kiss again! And they all circle up to have smores. Andy sneaks into the woods for one last root touch up.

The next day, Christina joins Andy’s family for dinner. They laugh and laugh at Andy, who has gone one shade lighter hoping no one would notice.

Guys, this movie was so dumb. It is probably going to be down at the bottom for me. I really hate when people behave so irrationally as Christina did for the majority of this movie! So I did not enjoy it very much at all. I loved the boat parade of course. I love making fun of fellow blonde adults clinging to the last strands of their youth. But otherwise, I was VERY MUCH NOT A FAN. What did you think?

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