Five Star Christmas

Alright so we are on night FIVE of the Thanksgiving movies. How fitting that this movie is called “FIVE STAR CHRISTMAS.” Only THREE MORE to go for the weekend. (Cry face emoji). We don’t have a minute to waste so let’s dive in?

The movie begins at BRAND CORP and there is bouncy Christmas music playing. Lucy crushed a deal because the other brand corp did a terrible job at marketing or whatever. Also, what about SHAWN? Asks Lucy’s assistant. They broke up a month ago. He chewed with his mouth open. Lucy bought her assistant a plane ticket so he could go home to see his family.

Will and Susanne are driving and talking about traveling the world and working. That sounds fun in a world where there was no covid.

Then a girl gets off the bus to get in her grandpa’s ancient car. He doesn’t seem to know how to drive though. Or where he is. Or what year it is?

Lucy strolls through town and then stops in to see Mr. Donahue. She needs a cup of hot chocolate. Then Lucy goes to grab a sassafras candy cane but UH OH an elderly man wants the same one. There is only one. She bets him for it. They are trying to…bore each other to death with facts about sassafras? What even is “sassafras?” And then the guy left the candy cane for her and paid for it. How many more times am I going to have to type “sassafras’ though?

She is very surprised upon arriving to her parents’ house for some reason. There is a note for her inside. Then her dad and her brother Will, and his wife, Susanne arrive. So everyone is like…so why is our house an Inn now? Lucy HATES IT. Everyone else is like, well yeah this is definitely weird.

Lucy’s little sister, Amber and her grandpa arrive. The dad is more mad that Amber’s hair is pink.

Okay the dad says he was a park ranger? And he has that…GIANT HOUSE? Big enough to turn into an Inn? NO. Sorry.

Ted gathers the whole gang into the living room. He thought turning their house into a B&B was a great way to fight loneliness and earn some money. I guess? He’s only been open a month and wanted to surprise his family. This dad is apparently an IDIOT. His daughter could have helped him with a business plan and his son works in IT. TED!

The family decides their best strategy is to try and get this revered B&B critic to stay at their place. Lucy is still unhinged and no one else cares. I certainly don’t.

Lucy stomps out to get her luggage. Her dad is like, I was so lonely in this house by myself LUCY GIVE ME A BREAK.

Ted tells Lucy that he has enough money to stay operational for 2 months. Then a woman shows up and needs to call AAA but Ted offers to help. Lucy notices the woman’s bag has the initials BT…like Bea Turner the B&B Critic. She asks if they have any vacancies. She was going to stay at a B&B up the road but thinks maybe she’ll stay here now. They all creep at the window watching her with their dad.

Lucy suggests they all pretend to be guests and staff. Amber wants to be the chef. She knows how to cook since she has an apartment off campus! Lucy pats her on the head and suggests she find something else to do.

Will and Susanne are just straight up nonsense. The grandpa, Walter has adopted a new accent. The brother and his wife are just nonstop silly gooses. Beth observes something on the fireplace. Ted says his wife made it. She died 15 years ago.

Then Sassafrass boy shows up. He is OBVIOUSLY BEA TURNER. He wants a room too. Jake is doing a “geological survey.” Poor Grandpa Walter is barely keeping himself together. How is he supposed to be the handy man?

Lucy carries Jake’s bag and takes him to his room. She asks how Jake heard about them. The post cards that his dad placed around town!

Amber does a TERRIBLE JOB for dinner. She makes a gross looking green stew. She says it’s “cheap and does the trick.” DOES WHAT TRICK THOUGH? They all wait until Beth tries it. She loves it. Jake likes it too. But is that all they’re eating? Amber, I mean Francesca the chef, is very hard on herself.

Will and Susanne continue to be OUT OF CONTROL. Poor Grandpa Walter is just trying to remember where he is. Jake says he’s heading to Berlin soon. Will and Susanne pretend they’ve been there. They are TERRIBLE AT IT. Grandpa Walter just wants to eat that nasty soup in peace. Then the power goes out while Amber/Francesca tries to Vitamix them all some smoothies.

Then, their grandma, Margo arrives. Lucy takes her outside to give her the rundown. She wants to be an eccentric guest too!

The next morning, Beth takes photos in the kitchen. Margo shows up and is VERY WEIRD with Beth. VERY WEIRD. So weird that Beth leaves.

Lucy and Amber get coffee and Lucy gives her some sister advice about college. They see Jake there. He’s already done his geology for the day so he’s just inputting data. Lucy invites him for brunch.

Is it the NEXT DAY already? Anyway, everyone is eating breakfast together. It’s all cheap little college student meals but everyone loves it. The brother’s wife grabs a pregnancy test from the general store! AH.

Back at the Inn, all the guests make a snowman together. Lucy falls on her bottom pretty hard and Jake takes her inside to recover. OKAY IF ONE MORE GUY LIFTS ONE OF THESE LADIES UP. Also is she wearing Uggs with no socks? Jake knows a thing or two about ankles since his mom was a nurse. Lucy shares that this was their childhood home before. Jake makes her some tea. What is this, ENGLAND?

Francesca/Amber gets sent inside for scarves for the snowman. Instead she finds a box of her mom’s cookbooks…in the mud room. You know, where you store old boxes of cookbooks.

In the bathroom, Lucy’s sister in law finds out she’s pregnant.

Francesca plugs one cord from the camcorder into her computer and is able to play all the videos. Well that scene of her watching her mom was sad.

Lucy wakes up to the sound of chopping wood outside? She GOES OUTSIDE. She decides a giant ornamental candy cane will be a good defensive weapon. Jake doesn’t apologize for chopping wood in the middle of the night. Then they both look up at the stars. And then they decide to sit by the fire Jake made and chit chat. Jake tells her he’s looking for Iron deposits. It is created from exploding stars? Is that right?

Lucy tells him about her family a little bit. Lucy tells him when her mom died as well. They end up just chatting for a long time.

The next morning, it’s Ted and Beth’s turn to chat. Beth says she retired from teaching. Her husband passed away five years ago.

In the bathroom, Lucy and her sister in law have some girl talk in the bathroom. She heard Lucy and Jake talking last night. The sister in law says she thinks maybe she wants to start a family. I think she tells Lucy that she’s pregnant? I’m not sure. Lucy’s reaction is…weird. But she does give her good advice.

Then Ted, Jake and Lucy decide to go get a tree. Jake grabs the first tree in the lot.

They head back to the Inn. Beth shares that she’s decided to stay another night. Poor grandpa Walter wanders in with the Christmas decorations and says he doesn’t know where the decorations are. Beth offers to drive Ted into town later to play Santa. So now the whole FAMILY can decorate the tree. It is a FULL BLOWN MONTAGE situation.

Jake offers to help Lucy set up the Santa stand in town. Then Jake gets a call. They need HIS REVIEW OF THE RALSTON INN. DUH. Anyway, his review isn’t quite ready.

Margo helps Amber in the kitchen. They have a nice moment talking about how poor Amber has to make the entire Christmas dinner. Back at the Christmas Festival, the owner of a different Inn approaches and wants to talk to her about her crazy dad but Lucy is like No, let’s do that later!! OKAY BYE. Lucy takes Jake on a tour of all things PINE in town. Beth helps Ted get all ready to play Santa. Ted is nervous.

Outside, Ted like refuses to put on the Santa beard? He’s just holding it.

Lucy tells Will and Amber that they can’t go to the Christmas Festival in case someone recognizes them. But WHY WOULD THAT MATTER. Will decides to sneak out and go. The grandpa and grandma both want to go too. So everyone sneaks out and goes. Lucy tries to distract the other Inn owner from seeing any of them. But then Jake approaches Lucy and is like did you call those guests different names? So Lucy decides to come clean because she’s so sure Beth is “Bea.” Then she asks Jake to play along.

Amber talks to the general store owner about a particular ingredient for Christmas-star anise. He has a little that he gives her for free.

Beth walks around with Lucy and Jake. They run into Margo too but Walter is nowhere to be found. They find him at an ugly sweater contest. He seems both surprised that he won and that his name is Walter.

Lucy sings a step a head of everyone in the little town sing along.

Susanne finally tells Will that she’s pregnant. She thinks he’ll be bad.

Lucy sings to herself until Jake compliments her. Then Lucy like half insults/half compliments Jake and then THEY KISS. I accidentally hit my husband on the head really hard I’m so shocked.

Margo and Lucy talk the next morning about Jake. She says Lucy should follow her heart.

Poor Walter is loading firewood with Ted. They talk about BETH. Walter tells Ted he should probably tell Beth the truth if he really likes her. Also, Walter is ONLY 67. HALLMARK. TED AND WALTER ARE ONLY FIVE YEARS APART.

Susanne gets all freaked out reading about pregnancy. Then she and Will have a nice moment.

Later, all the guests make taffy together. And now we have a taffy pulling montage. That’s a first. Then they blow a circuit again. Lucy offers to go reset it. After she resets it, she creeps on Jake’s computer which didn’t go black in all that time. Back downstairs, she gives Jake a look like she’s mad. He follows her outside. She’s like why weren’t you honest with me?! Jake is like, um hello, kettle? Wait what happened? Moving on is in his blood? LUCY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. So I guess now Jake has to leave. Then the crew comes clean with Beth about what they were up to.

Later, Amber tells her dad that she wants to go to culinary school.

Then Ted and Lucy talk outside by their fire. Ted is worried he messed things up for Lucy and Jake. Ted thinks what he saw between them was real.

At some point later (WHAT TIME IS IT?) Ted walks Beth out. He asks her to stay. She can’t disappoint her cousins in Maine and she doesn’t feel like its right to stay with just the family. But guess what, Beth? TED LIKES YOU. She does decide to stay a little longer.

EVEN LATER STILL, Lucy wanders aimlessly around town. Amber calls and tells Lucy that Jake is still in town! Lucy runs into the general store to get some sassafras candy canes. She starts to run to Jake but he’s outside singing “Blue Christmas” to her. She starts singing along with him and then they kind of dance together. So that’s cute. THEY’RE BOTH SORRY. AND THEN THEY KISS.

Back at the Inn, everyone is reading Jake’s review. A FIVE STAR REVIEW. Ted wants to hire more staff. Poor Walter says he needs a job.

Then, it must be Christmas morning. Everyone is opening gifts. Even Beth got a book about remodeling her home. Lucy gets Jake a butt load of sassafras candy canes for Jake. Then Will and Susanne announce their new baby. EXCITING TIMES.

AND IT’S STILL NOT OVER OMG. They eat dinner-MOM’S RECIPE. Jake gives a little speech. Now it’s Lucy’s turn. Alright NOW it’s over.

So this one got off to a rough start in my view. But there were several funny moments. The family hamming it up was pretty great. So it was better than I thought. There was a little bit of silly nonsense in it of course but it was definitely a fun, light hearted movie! Definitely worth watching. Let’s see how it scored: 5/20.

  1. Clumsy meet cute
  2. Christmas Festival
  3. Christmas Baking
  4. Nonsense drama
  5. Christmas montage

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