The Knight Before Christmas (Netflix)

BONUS POST, authored by my sister.

So this movie is a Netflix original. I hope to do a few more of these throughout the season. It’s Christmas and tis the season of giving, and I’m obviously going to watch these anyway because doy. Here we go.

We are taken to Norwich, England on December 18, 1334. Festive lutes and merriment abound. Two young men clad head-to-toe armor and chain mail wander out of the castle jovially discussing the weather. They’ve agreed that the “good, soft wind” is “puh-fect for the ride”. Clearly these young men are the Most Eligible Holiday Bachelors in Norwich (or they would be if this was a Hallmark movie), because the fair maidens in the courtyard are just flat-out SMITTEN as they watch the young men ride off.

As they ride away, I become fairly certain this is the Game of Thrones set. And I’m not mad about it. Jon Snow, u up?

Now we’ve traveled through time and space to Bracebridge, Ohio on December 18, 2019. Gabriella Montez is at East High practicing for math team. Oh wait, wrong movie. Vanessa Hudgens has come full circle and is now a science teacher. She’s perplexed why her straight-A student Paige failed her midterm. Poor Paige just got dumped and she is ALL OF US at 14. Too soon, Netflix. Ms. Vanessa Hudgens basically tells this 14yo girl that love is for suckers and its all just fantasy and she should focus on her GPA. Oh her name is Ms. Winters.  Brooke. Brooke Winters.

Back “deep in the woods of Norwich”, it appears our young knight has stumbled upon a weird old hag hiding in the woods. She asks if he will help a woman as beautious as herself and when he agrees, she completely changes her demeanor and seems to know everything about him. Including that fact that his younger brother is to be knighted on Christmas day. She says because of his kindness, the quest he has searched long and hard for begins now. She tells him he will travel to distant lands and see metal dragons and magic boxes that make you merry and he’s like.. ok, crazy. Let’s get you to a doctor. ASAP. She says he has until midnight on Christmas Eve to complete the quest or he will never become a true knight. She disappears. He yells “old crone?” and he disappears. I laugh for 10 minutes about “old crone”. He then finds himself at a present-day Christmas Castle Village. He is… SO confused. He sees the old crone dressed as Mrs. Klaus from across the field. By the way, if you watch this movie with subtitles, that is literally her character’s name-Old Crone.

Brooke brought her niece, Claire, to the Christmas Castle. They leave Mrs. Klaus’s bakeshop and get in line to see Santa. I’m disappointed with Claire’s choice of treat. Meanwhile poor little knight gets accosted by some pre-teens for a selfie. He is overwhelmed. Oh no, Brooke sees her ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend. Claire asks for a real puppy and a new boyfriend for her aunt Brooke for Christmas. Mrs. Klaus is the old crone and makes a comment about how anything is possible.

Our knight rushes up behind Mrs. Klaus and grabs her while yelling “Crone”. I’m dead at this name for her. But alas, she has morphed into a regular old lady getting called a crone.

In the hustle and bustle of the village, Brooke runs right into the knight and spills hot chocolate all over him. They have a moment. He is not mad about the hot chocolate. Who would be? I would drink it right off my chain mail.

As Brooke is driving home, snow is falling quite heavily. How is she supposed to see?! Our sweet, naïve knight is just standing in the middle of the road because he doesn’t know any better. She drives straight into him. Good thing he has his armor on. He pops right up. Officer Stevens arrives to take Sir Cole to the hospital. He gets an MRI and they send him on his way. At this point we learn this is in fact a horror movie. Brooke offers to take this seemingly deranged young man home to stay in her guest house. Look, it would take a MUCH better looking delusional man for me to risk getting murdered in my own guest house. Sir Cole is like classic early 00s teen heartthrob. He has an unwashed, uncombed, uncut mop of dirty blonde hair on top of his head. Collectively, what were we all thinking?

The police officer is like… um, no. She insists. The cop is like, okay I’ll get to work on the paperwork about your murder.

Sir Cole is fascinated by the radio and I have to believe this car ride is what would happen if you let your 5year old ride in the passenger seat. Back home, Brooke gives Sir Cole some of her ex-boyfriend’s clothes and lets him take a shower. Apparently there is no modesty in the 14th century because he comes out in just a towel and Brooke is.. intrigued. Then he tries to cook a skunk over an open fire in her yard. They go to a diner and after demanding the wench bring them more coffee, he attempts to defend Brooke’s honor when her ex-boyfriend shows up yet again. She assures him that it is unnecessary.. and illegal for him to draw his sword in her defense at this time.

Back at the guest house, Sir Cole is all of us when it comes to Alexa and Netflix. Netflix shamelessly plugs Holiday in the Wild. Brooke calls Sir Cole a binge-watcher and he says if that means captivated by the picture box, then yes. SAME, Sir Cole. SAME. He invites her to binge-watch together and the next minute is the most relatable minute of TV- she says she has too many errands and the next thing we see is them asleep on the couch, the glow of the screen lighting up their faces.

In the morning, they bond over missing their parents. He says they can drop the formalities and he can call her Cole. He insults her Christmas tree and requests they find a real tree. He’s rambling on and on about his past and she apparently is all-in believing he has time-traveled from the 14th century. Should she get an MRI too?

He calls her ex-boyfriend a “boiled-brain-codpiece” and I’m putting that one in my back pocket for a rainy day. I pity the next person to insult me.

He asks to borrow her car and admits he doesn’t know where he is going. But he says he can tame any steed so she tosses him the keys without a second thought. I’ve scheduled that MRI for her.

He drives worse than anyone has ever driven a car, parks on the sidewalk and walks to the Christmas village. He grabs Mrs. Klaus again and Santa tells him to stop calling his wife an old crone. Again, I’m dead.

The next day Claire asks if girls can be knights. Brooke says yes, Cole says no. Brooke says girls can be whatever they want to be. Yas Queen. Preach. Except, only British men can be knights. So Claire’s out on both counts.

Brooke and Cole have a sweet moment decorating the tree. We’ve all fallen in love with Cole at this point, but I might still suggest a quick haircut. Also, I have yet to see where they’ve purchased a toothbrush for the old boy and I know he didn’t bring one with him. But he does have a nice personality. He’s even teaching a GIRL to duel like a knight. #equality

The next scene includes peppermint bark and some holistic medical advice from a 14th century knight and I think those speak for themselves.

December 23. Brooke’s sweater is on point. Cole’s looks one size too small. They are grocery shopping for the Christmas Feast that Brooke always helps organize. Cole attempts to purchase 8 large canisters of hot chocolate. Cole refuses to purchase Walmart dinner rolls after sampling them and decided he will bake bread for the Christmas feast. Cole, there’s NO TIME.

Meanwhile, Claire and her bff decide to go play outside in a blizzard. They want to practice sword fighting. I don’t know the friend’s name so I’ll call her friend Aria.

Cole and Brooke are baking bread together. Cole hides a bean in one of the loaves. Whoever finds it gets to make a Christmas wish. He insults her kneading abilities and then they have a Patrick Swayze/Demi Moore Ghost moment. A phone call abruptly ends their moment and we find out Claire is MISSING!

Cole is on the scent and we learn he is an excellent tracker. Claire and Aria appear to have gone to the lake. They rescue Lily/Aria and we see that Claire is standing on the frozen lake afraid to move. Cole coaches her to pretend to be snail and belly-crawl toward the shore. He safely gets her off the lake and they all return home safely! Talk about knight in shining armor.

Cole and Officer Stevens have a nice moment. Cole says their duties are the similar- to protect and serve. Brooke congratulates him on finishing his quest. Cole says that was literally nothing and not even close to his quest. Uh oh, they are about to kiss and I cannot handle it. Dang, interrupted by Claire’s dad.

Back at the Christmas village looking for the crone and trying to find clues for the quest. Cole continues to love hot chocolate more than life itself. A thief steals an old lady’s purse and Cole chases him down. He threatens to both hang him and cut off his hands. The women agree to allow the kid to keep his hands. He has officially been scared straight.

Another parallel to police work is made by Officer Stevens. Then he makes a joke about a Cole needing to pass a psych exam first, which is rude to say the least. A plague upon thee, Officer Stevens!

Brooke tells a weary Cole that she believes in him and he says those words wrapped his heart in a warm blanket. And honestly, where is Brooke getting her sweaters because I feel like those could LITERALLY wrap my heart up in a warm blanket.

December 24. Cole and Brooke are baking more bread. Brooke’s sister brings Cole a decanter of hot chocolate. They begin discussing their family friend who has fallen on hard times and Cole wonders if this gentleman of pure heart is his quest.

They are getting ready for the Christmas Feast. Cole is speechless when he sees Brooke. And to be honest, so am I. Very classy. Brooke offers to fix his tie, but then admits she has no idea what she’s doing. They forego the tie and she gives him an orange and a half-penny- the gifts he used to get from his parents on Christmas. He is touched. Ugh they almost kiss again but are interrupted by a text.

For those keeping track, the aforementioned medieval medicine appears to have worked wonders. Do not try this at home.

During the feast, they take the family friend and his kids to a back room. Santa and the Mrs Klaus are there with gifts for all 4 children. The father is also presented with a envelope of cash. It’s really very touching. Brooke thinks his quest has got to be finished now but he insists he has one last duty to fulfill. He changes back into his armor and chain mail for kids to take photos with him.

Brooke’s sister sees Brooke cleaning up after the Christmas feast and says sorry I can’t help, my kid is asleep and both of us need to take her home. Bye Felicia.

Brooke and Cole are left. Cole asks Brooke about the tradition of mistletoe. She doesn’t get it at first. Then she comes to her senses and they kiss. FINALLY. Oh and the old crone is just creeping around in the background. Cole’s necklace is glowing so he thinks he needs to go back to the Christmas village to make it back to his home. Obviously that is the one thing that time travel depends on.

He has to make it back for his brother’s knighting ceremony. Brooke says’ obviously you have to go- it’s the knights code. She’s an expert now.

Blue magic dust surrounds Cole and he’s gone. Brooke walks home crying. She runs into Paige. Her little ex-boyfriend wants her back and Paige said ‘no way bro. I got goalz, no time for fairy tales.’ Brooke says wait, actually true love does exist. Paige is like, you are obviously going through something so, have a merry Christmas and then she literally sprints away.

At home, Brooke finds the magic bean and wishes that Cole was still there. She finds a little handmade ornament on the tree from Sir Cole. I thought that maybe Claire made it when she was 3, but it’s a nice gesture.

Back in the 14th century, Sir Cole reappears and his horse greets him. What a trusty steed. He greets his brother and they celebrate his true knighthood. Huzzah! He admits he found love and is a fool to have left. His brother encourages him to go find his love. I don’t think he understands they will never see each other again. Cole doesn’t fill him in and he leaves.

December 25.

Present day-Claire gets an actual puppy for Christmas. Her parents seem legitimately confused as to where it came from. She’s like, Christmas magic brought him!! But, is Christmas magic going to clean up after him?!! Brooke is fully dressed for Christmas morning despite everyone else being in jams.

Norwich- Cole finds the old crone in the woods again. She emerges from behind a tree after an impassioned speech about love being the only virtue. He begs to be returned to his truest love. She does a weird cackle and turns him into blue dust. I’m honestly not sure if she is evil or good.

At the Christmas castle, we learn that Claire named the dog Knight. They talk about how much they all miss Cole. And then.. WHAT! Cole shows up! With his horse! She was his quest all along! They kiss and stare into each others’ eyes way too long. She asks what he will do here and he thinks either a police officer or bakery owner. What about the horse? Seems like an oversight on his part. They literally ride off into the sunset together.

Bonus- watch the credits for the suggestion of maybe a part 2?

Let’s see how this stacks up.

  • Lead is definitely stranded in a different town.
  • Is that old crone Santa?
  • Clumsy meet-cute
  • Christmas Festival (That Santa’s village situation)
  • Christmas Baking
  • Christmas puns
  • A sassy and wise best friend

Total Score: 7/20

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